anyway back to my irrational feeling.... I can't help but feel this horrid tragedy is my fault. When she told me she was pregnant a couple weeks ago- I pretended to be incredibly happy for her! Each time she told me something new- or how horrid her morning sickness was that morning.. I felt jealous and angry- jealous she was pregnant. and angry at myself for being jealous... The first thought I had was "This is gonna be a long pregnancy" for two reasons this popped into my head- one being my utter jealousy- and not wanting to hear about it. and the second because she is as i am on the larger side....I cant help but feel if I were less envious she would still be pregnant... I told you my thoughts on the matter were irrational. I know in the depths of me that she lost the baby because something wasn't quite right, the baby wouldn't have had a good life... if brought to term.
I love being childless right now, but I also long for a child to call ours. sometimes I think it will never happen.. Not that we have actually tried to get pregnant...I am only 24 whats my rush??
so why was I so jealous that she was blessed with the ability to get pregnant. I am nowhere near ready for a child myself. she is a little more ready--- but not by much.
Why do I harbor these feelings of hate, she is my best friend I should have been more genuinely ecstatic for her. She really will. make the best mommy someday-
I know that eventually my initial jealousy would have subsided, and I could have been genuinely happy for my best friend.
She is taking it quite well... after all she hadn't reached the 20 week mark- so scientifically the baby was and embryo... She has always been the more logical one. I on the other hand have not.
Things will work out for the better- but as she reads this I hope she knows I love her, and if she needs me I will always be here.. Dont let my jealousy get in the way!
also my dear friend you need to make a blogspot thingy cuz well you are a decent blogger!
much love
I understand what you mean because I have had those same feelings about pregnancies that my sister and cousin have had...
ReplyDeleteEven though most of the time I am happy without a child and don't think I want one, some days I wish I could be a mother and revert to my original belief that motherhood is/was my true calling.
You are a wonderful friend to me, so I can only imagine how beautiful your relationship has been with her and I know that she feels how much you love her and are supporting her through such a sad time.
Always,
Hannah
You have every right to be jealous and it is definitely not your fault. I believe everything works out and WILL work out for the best. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for following me btw, I can't wait to follow you back!
Best,
Kelsey
Your words are so encouraging, and for that I find your friendship an amazing experience- I also know that even though you are off to Bahrain soon, I will do anything and everything in my power to keep your friendship.
ReplyDeleteYour feelings come from a place of love. It is okay to feel that way. I have a 15 year old and a 8 month old; I can tell you a lot about jealousy. It's brave of you to acknowledge your feelings. You are a great person and I know you mean no harm. She'll know that as well. That's the beauty of best friends!
ReplyDeletewhatever happened with Sarah had noting to do with you. You are not god, you certainly can't control what happened and you can't control how you felt about the situation. Your time will come to have a baby and so will her's. Jealousy is only natural until that day comes, and then when it does you get to be jealous of the people without babies.
ReplyDelete