missing out

The house is silent... so silent I can hear the hum of the electricity, of the AC, and the oscillating fan- and yes I do find it necessary to have the AC and a FAN on, that doesn't make me strange or odd. It is dark all but the glow of clocks and computer screen oh and my awesome night light in the bathroom...I will go over that momentarily.... It's 3AM and I am unable to sleep.

I have found it easier to sleep on the couch rather then the bed my husband sleeps in.. it doesnt feel right sleeping there- and when I do no content sleep is had... on the couch at least I don't toss and turn.

I have found another incessant glowing light... how did I never notice it before? The smoke detector light--- its a little tiny green light---- floating up on rather dark wall... and every 30 seconds there is a second light that blinks red--- it makes me feel safe... weird... I know--- but it does I don't know why.

While on the subject of lights i should copy my facebook status.. from a few days ago--- that will explain quite well whats up with my nightlight

Vanessa Weber I am super creeped out--- i don't think robin was in the bathroom--- but i heard the toilet flush and the tank fill and someone wash their hands... perhaps i need to put a nightlight in there.. I am super creeped out>>>

And now My LED lighthouse nightlight is in the bathroom

I found out later it was Robin (my roommie)

okay back to the topic at hand and why I felt I need to write.

I greatly miss my husband- more then anything or anyone right now... and sometimes I lose sight of the fact that I miss other people too--- it's so much on my plate to miss Jimmy, but I am incredibly homesick. I miss my siblings, I miss my step mother, I miss Daddy, I miss my friends, I miss Montana, I miss Washington. I was looking at pictures today-- my family doesn't get together frequently, but when they do, I can't help but be envious. Do they think of me too? Am I there in their thoughts? Does anyone ask- have you heard from Vanessa? Do they miss me as much as I miss them... of course I know the answer to this..

It sucks missing out on birthday celebrations, My nephews were 4 months and 2 and halfish years when I left--- that 4 month old?? he is 2 now... the 2 yr old just turned 5... Where does the time go???? My other sister had gave birth to a baby girl who is turning 1 in September-- she doesn't know me... so i am not as affected by this...

Makylo (the 5 yr old) does.. I should say DID... He used to always want to talk to me on the phone-- and now... he says I love you- without really knowing who I am, it breaks my heart, I tear up as I hang up the phone-- it pains me to miss my family so much! It makes me feel so alone--- my family is making bonds-- and memories-- that I am not a part of. I have read numerous blogs about how much girls miss their husbands-- but I have yet to see one about something other then Deployment being rough or about how great it is being in love with a sailor... all these blogs are about being a military significant other--- cuz well we are--- but we are so much more too!

we have other feelings- other ambitions that don't revolve around our husbands... or their careers..

I guess even my blog today- revolves around being a military spouse... because these feelings would be obsolete if we were back home.. and not in this lifestyle...

hmmm

I don't like being coined Navy Wife... don't get me wrong-- I love my husband-- and I am so proud of him, but what his job is isn't who he is or who I am. But it is how we live.. and I guess I need to accept this for now.

thanks for reading folks if you made it to the end I appreciate you!

loves

nessa

t

saltwater dreams

written by vanessa weber

saltwater dreams
rolling waves of misery
strolling the sandy beach
head held down
couldn't see what was to come
unable to escape the tide
grasped from the shore
swimming alone
in this unforgiving see
am drowning
out of energy
lost at sea
rolling waves of misery

NAVY WIFE

by vanessa weber July 30 2008

There is a pain in my heart
a river flowing down my face
filling the oceans you sail
watching you pull away
screaming inside
not believing this ache
there is a pain in my heart
seeing you come home
a river flowing down my face
not believing this joy
there is a pain in my heart
and the rivers flow again

Sorry Sarah

I have this VERY irrational feeling right now. My friend was 8 weeks pregnant. She had a miscarriage today. Happy Independence Day... This day will always hold sad memories for her.

anyway back to my irrational feeling.... I can't help but feel this horrid tragedy is my fault. When she told me she was pregnant a couple weeks ago- I pretended to be incredibly happy for her! Each time she told me something new- or how horrid her morning sickness was that morning.. I felt jealous and angry- jealous she was pregnant. and angry at myself for being jealous... The first thought I had was "This is gonna be a long pregnancy" for two reasons this popped into my head- one being my utter jealousy- and not wanting to hear about it. and the second because she is as i am on the larger side....I cant help but feel if I were less envious she would still be pregnant... I told you my thoughts on the matter were irrational. I know in the depths of me that she lost the baby because something wasn't quite right, the baby wouldn't have had a good life... if brought to term.

I love being childless right now, but I also long for a child to call ours. sometimes I think it will never happen.. Not that we have actually tried to get pregnant...I am only 24 whats my rush??

so why was I so jealous that she was blessed with the ability to get pregnant. I am nowhere near ready for a child myself. she is a little more ready--- but not by much.

Why do I harbor these feelings of hate, she is my best friend I should have been more genuinely ecstatic for her. She really will. make the best mommy someday-

I know that eventually my initial jealousy would have subsided, and I could have been genuinely happy for my best friend.

She is taking it quite well... after all she hadn't reached the 20 week mark- so scientifically the baby was and embryo... She has always been the more logical one. I on the other hand have not.

Things will work out for the better- but as she reads this I hope she knows I love her, and if she needs me I will always be here.. Dont let my jealousy get in the way!

also my dear friend you need to make a blogspot thingy cuz well you are a decent blogger!

much love

being a navy wife

My name is Vanessa, I'm 24. I met my husband, Jimmy in November 2006 and we married December 2007 :D

When most people think of McDonald's they think of the foods and the deliciousness or lack of deliciousness (depending on who you are). anyway when I think of Mickey D's I think of Love,Laughter, and pure happiness!! As you might have guessed, I met my husband while we both worked there! I will probably type up that story later.

In order to provide for us- and not being quite sure about his future, Jimmy decided to join the Navy- we were not aware how much that would change our lives! The changes? good and bad both, but the good outweighs the bad! We have met a lot of wonderful people!

Jimmy is on his first deployment, which began in January. We have coped quite well, The deployment is working him hard! For the most part in all of his amazingness he finds the time to email me. we have had to learn how to be communicative with one another, in order to keep connection alive.

Jimmy comes home in over a month, I am really looking forward to Falling in love all over again! I am also preparing myself for the assimilation back into one another's lives. I have heard it can be quite difficult. I believe with the skills we have learned since he left will allow us to have a smooth transition! He is going to look amazing! I hope I take his breath away and make his heart race the way I did before he left!

with love

Vanessa